


There for You

by triplebang



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Daddy Kink, Drinking, Drug Use, Extremely Dubious Consent, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Non-Consensual Touching, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Sibling Incest, Slut Shaming, Unhealthy Relationships, so many awful tags for this fic jfc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2019-11-13 18:25:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18036545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triplebang/pseuds/triplebang
Summary: Sons of a wealthy married couple, Chris and Felix aren't as happy as their parents want the world to believe. Luckily, the brothers will always have each other's backs.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: This fic includes brother incest, past child abuse, brief sexual harassment from an OC, manipulation and guilt tripping, very dubious consent, and there will be additional warnings added as I keep writing this
> 
> Disclaimer: I in no way think that anything depicted in my fics is acceptable in real life. I strongly believe that these kinds of things should remain within the confines of fiction, and I expect you to be able to make that distinction. Please do not believe that any of this content is normal in any way. I do not intend to glorify any of this. Additionally, please do not force my fics onto other people. I tag my things so that those who get triggered by this kind of content can avoid it. I do not intend to purposefully harm anyone. 
> 
> This hasn't been beta'd cause I'm impatient, so expect stupid mistakes and stuff

Mundane, that’s the word he was looking for! Chris has been sitting in his room for a solid ten minutes trying to remember it. He’s waiting for the guests to finally arrive, but he got ready a bit too early, so now he has to sit around in his fancy white suit that his parents are forcing him to wear. He doesn’t understand how they expect him to keep this completely stain free, but they insist that he wears it anyway, because it makes him look prince-like or whatever. Looking at himself in the mirror, he just sees a regular guy, though. Chris doesn’t think he was meant to be seen as a prince.

Mundane is the way he’d describe this entire thing. He’s been through it over and over again, ever since he was young, and he can’t even begin understanding why his parents think that this is so fun. By ‘this,’ he means the whole ‘invite your other rich friends and show off how much richer you are than them and how much nicer all of your stuff is and how your sons are so good at everything’ thing. It’s always the same shit, and Chris is getting increasingly tired of fake smiling at all of the people who fake smile back at him.

Even his parents fake smile at him, and deep down, he knows that they’re cold and lifeless. The only thing fueling them is their need for praise and attention, which, in his opinion, is kind of sad for people their age. However, it’s not like he’s any better. Yeah, Chris hates being all dolled up and flaunted like this, but that’s only because the wrong people are getting to see that. In reality, he pretty much always makes himself look as good as possible anyway, always wearing big brands and making sure that the people who talk to him are impressed. If it weren’t for music, his parent’s money would have been the only thing that he has.

But, he does have music. If, one day, all of their money got taken away and he’d be forced to live in some sort of small shed instead of their much too big mansion, he’d be alright as long as he has his laptop, earphones, and midi keyboard. Music is his biggest passion, and even though his parents don’t recognize his music production as a real skill, it’s the one thing that will always make him want to strive forward. It’s kind of really the only thing he has, which is ironic considering all of the material goods he owns. His music is very personal and is produced by him; it’s his own creation, belongs to him.

Not many people pay attention to his music, unfortunately. It’s a tough industry, and getting your stuff out there isn’t really easy. Still, he has a few fans and he keeps making more music, and right now he’s content. He’s hoping to grow more, and he has two friends, Changbin and Jisung, who live in South Korea and help him out with it. He’s met up with them twice before when visiting the country, and they’re amazing people. Although their friendship is long distance, he considers them his best friends. It gets lonely, though, knowing that his two best friends get to hang out with each other in real life, while his own real life friends only hang out with him because of his money.

He checks the clock on the wall, which is only there as decor, really, because he could just open his phone and check the time there. Still, it makes him feel fancy and intellectual reading the analog clock, which indicates that it’s only been a whole three minutes since he’s last checked. With a sigh, he exits his room and head’s towards his brother’s, hoping that he’ll alleviate his current boredom.

After walking down the unnecessarily lavish hallway, he pries the door open and sees a figure haphazardly dressing itself.  “Loser,” is all Chris says as he enters the room, plopping himself down on the bed that his younger brother never bothers doing. The only time it’s done is after the maid comes in once a week.

“Cunt,” is what the younger replies with. He’s halfway through putting on his own suit, which is also white. While Chris has a short scarf wrapped around his neck, his brother has a bow. It makes him look younger than what he really is. Instead of looking like an eighteen year old man, the bow, his youthful eyes, his freckled face, and his short blonde hair makes him look quite feminine. One could even mistake him for a girl, if it weren’t for his bulging Adam’s apple and stunningly low voice. He only uses his low voice with strangers though. Chris has the privilege of hearing it when it’s all high and irritating, which is whenever his brother wants to annoy him. To Chris’s misfortune, that happens to be almost any time he speaks to him.

“Felix, I’m very sure that you haven’t been doing anything for the past hours. Why are you so last minute?” asks Chris. Felix has always been a bit more of a mess than him. While Chris was the perfect older brother, Felix was the more chaotic younger one, always being compared to the elder and shamed by his parents for not doing as well as Chris. It feels awful knowing how Felix must feel about it, yet not being able to do anything about the pressure their parents put on him. Chris can only hope that Felix doesn’t resent him, but they get along pretty well, and the elder is always there to comfort him if he needs it.

Felix huffs and replies, “Mind your own business, yeah?” He makes his way in front of his full body mirror, loosely fixing his hair, just enough to make himself look at least somewhat presentable. His figure is rather petite, unlike Chris’s. Not that Felix doesn’t have any muscle, quite the contrary; the younger loves to take care of his appearance, he just isn’t as bulk as Chris himself.

The elder abruptly gets up and goes to kick Felix’s ass, just for fun, but the younger notices before his foot makes contact, and he manages to intercept the blow. Chris has a backup plan though, and he jabs the younger’s side, successfully making him yelp and push him away. Chris laughs, pleased with his victory, while Felix yells, “Fuck off! You can’t just come into my own room and disrespect me like that!”

“I can do whatever I want. You are so small, so tiny, absolutely nothing compared to me,” he says in mock superiority, lifting his chin to make it seem as though he really is that much bigger.

“Bro, we’re practically the same height.” Felix rolls his eyes and pushes Chris away, then goes back to fixing his appearance.

Chris just laughs again and plops back down on the bed so that his cheek is resting against it, examining the side of Felix’s bedside drawer. He gets bored after a while and opens it, lifting himself up slightly to examine the contents. In it, he sees discarded candy wrappers, a half-eaten granola bar, Felix’s ‘totally manly’ diary, and… used tissues? “What the fuck, ew!” Chris exclaims, catching the younger’s attention.

Felix is suddenly by his side, shutting the drawer closed as he says, “Don’t go through my fucking shit, god. Don’t blame me if you find something that you don’t like.”

“Was that your dried cum in those tissues?” Chris asks, eyebrows raised.

The younger rolls his eyes yet again and replies, “Yeah, sure, if that’s what you want.”

Chris scowls in disgust and moves away from the dresser. Right at that moment, they hear the doorbell ring, and that’s it. It’s time to go put on a mask for several hours and act as though he wouldn’t rather be working on his lyrics, or maybe even working on his assignments. The two of them look at each other and sigh. Hopefully it’ll be bearable tonight.

 

 

 

It is, in fact, not bearable. His mother must have invited her, despite the numerous times that Chris has expressed his discomfort towards this woman. Any time she gets near him, his skin starts crawling and he has the overwhelming urge to run away, but he can’t. He’s tried before when he was younger, and his parents would later beat him for it, calling him impolite and telling him that he needs to learn how to act right. After he turned sixteen, he learned how to sit through the kind of attention that this woman gives him, but it makes him feel sick to the core.

He was idly sitting in their living room, scrolling through his phone. This was one of the few moments where he was allowed to breathe for a second, while everybody else was finishing up their main meal and getting ready for tea and dessert. Felix was still at the table, but Chris really had to get away from her, since she decided to sit next to him and uncomfortable rub his thigh the whole way through.

Of course, things don’t turn out well because he feels the cushion underneath him dip, and looks up to find none other than the woman he was avoiding. She’s old. Chris is not sure how old, but definitely too old for him. Her makeup was done well, but it gave her this air of fakeness that just made him feel sick. She scoots a little too close to him, and suddenly Chris realizes that he’s made a mistake. Less people can see them over here, which means that she can be grosser in the way she acts and with what she says.

“You seem tense, baby,” she purrs, rubbing his shoulder in what’s supposed to be a soothing manner. The pet name makes him want to throw up with how uneasy it makes him feel. He’s not a baby, but somehow, he feels as vulnerable as one. He can’t even say anything back.

Chris nervously laughs and replies with, “I’m alright, thank you for your concern.” He subtly attempts to lean away from her touch, but she only presses closer.

“You know, you’re a pretty grown man now, right? You’re twenty-one, but it feels like just yesterday you were all small and cute… When are you finally moving out?” she asks him, sleazy smile on her face.

He tries really hard to push away any implications that she might have had in her sentence, and answers, “I’m not sure. My parents don’t think I’m suited to live on my own right now.”

“Well, when you do get your own place,” her voice drops in volume and she leans in, “I’d like to come visit sometime.” Her hand is on his thigh again, moving up, getting much too close to his crotch.

He tries to say something, anything to get her to stop, but all he manages to do is let out a pathetic squeak, and then her hand is finally resting on top of his length, groping it softly through the fabric of his pants. He hates it so much, wants to slap her hand away and maybe slap her face too. He wishes that he could just get up and walk away, but his limbs feel too weak.

“You look so good in white, did you know?” she compliments, breathing down his neck. “Like an angel, all pretty and pure.”

Chris swallows. He hates the way her touch is making him physically react, and he wants to cry with how nasty this feels. His body seems like it’s tingling all over, his breathing gets heavier and time feels like it’s passing incredibly slow. It feels like an eternity before she abruptly pulls away. Chris hears footsteps coming from behind him, followed by Felix’s low voice that says, “Chris, need your help in the kitchen.”

Relief courses through his body has he quickly gets up from the couch. He doesn’t even look back at the woman as he follows Felix, but the younger doesn’t take them to the kitchen. He pulls him aside into one of their bathrooms and asks, “Are you okay?”

The elder shakily exhales. “No,” he admits. “I feel dirty.” He approaches the sink and opens the cold water, rinsing his hands and then bringing the water up to his face. He needs to have a proper shower after all of this to scrub off her grimy scent.

“I kinda saw that she followed you, then it seems like she was sitting way too close and just… Yeah, I figured. I don’t understand why they force you to put up with her. Who the fuck is she anyway?” Felix asks angrily. “We should kill her.”

Chris laughs breathlessly and closes the running water. “We should.”

The younger approaches him and soothingly rubs his back, reassuring him a bit and bringing him back. This is his brother, Felix, comforting him. This hand does not belong to some nasty old lady, it belongs to his brother, and he cherishes him more than he’d ever willingly admit to Felix’s face. He manages to relax his shoulders. They’ve only got a bit left to go through, and soon Chris can head back to his room and take off his constricting outfit, shower until his skin peels off, then curl up in bed. He can do this.

After a few moments spent focusing on breathing, he turns to look at his brother and gives him a small smile. “Please stick next to me for the rest of the night,” he pleas.

Felix nods at him and says, “Yeah, of course. I’m sorry I even let her get to you in the first place.”

“That’s okay. Thank you.”

Later at night, after showering for around an hour, Chris tries to rid his mind of the nauseating face that tormented him earlier. He hopes that he doesn’t have to encounter it again for a good while. He’s just grateful that Felix was there to save him, otherwise he doesn't know what he would have become by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to try out writing out my fics chapter by chapter now, since the ones I'll be posting are going to be longer ones. Hopefully this goes well haha. Sorry not all that much happens in this chapter, I'm just giving the setting and stuff. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts and all! Comments and kudos are appreciated. 
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/tripIebang/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Changbin:  
**log the FUCK in dude

 **Jisung:  
**this is rly the closest that we can get to hanging out

 **Chris:  
** I can not figure out my fucking password

let me bresthe

 **Jisung** :  
bresthe

 **Changbin** :  
bresthe

 

Chris groans in annoyance. His best friends decided that they should have a ‘bro night,’ which just means they call and do dumb shit together on the internet. It’s fun because they get to interact with each other more than just through a chat screen, but Chris _hates_ the idea of having to play this stupid block game with them.  Last time they played this together was over a year ago, and he can practically hear Changbin and Jisung screaming over the _dumbest_ shit. He can understand getting mad over video games, he really can, but this isn’t the type of game you should get mad over.

His problem right now is that he can’t figure out the password for his account. Well, okay, it’s not _his_ account, because Chris doesn’t care much for this game, but Felix does. Not as much anymore, but Chris can remember him being glued to the screen because of it a few years back. After losing interest, he allowed Chris to use his account, because the elder didn’t want to bother making his own.

Maybe he should, though. It’d probably be faster and simpler, but it’s about the principle. Chris _refuses_ to sign up for this himself. He remembers Felix sharing the password with him, but Chris lost it. Maybe the younger wrote it down somewhere? Doesn’t hurt to try looking.

 

 **Changbin:**  
can we call yet

 **Chris:**  
im gonna go try to find the password then yes

 

He doesn’t bother looking at the replies as he gets up from his chair and heads to his brother’s room. Felix is out, probably doing some dumb shit with his friends, so he has free reign to snoop around as much as he’d like. Upon entering, he sighs at the mess. It’s a fairly big room, and there’s so much going on in it. How does Felix himself ever find anything in here?

He heads towards the desk and starts opening up drawers, finding all sorts of weird random shit, but none of it is what he’s looking for. There’s random stacks of paper, but those are discarded assignments more than anything else, so he doubts he’ll find anything there. After a solid five minutes of searching through his desk, Chris sighs and tries to think. Where else could he find something like a password? He goes through Felix’s planner, which he doesn’t even use, judging from how empty it is, and checks through the notes to see if he’ll find anything. All he does find are crude doodles and poor attempts at making to do lists.

He moves away from the desk and his eyes land on the bedside drawer, where Felix keeps his diary. Now, Chris knows it’s wrong to go through somebody’s diary, but he’s not trying to read anything in there, he’s just trying to find the password. He doesn’t even _want_ to read anything anyway; it’d upset him to know that he’s violated his younger brother’s privacy. But he wants that damn password, so he opens the drawer, notes that the half eaten granola bar that he saw a few days ago is still there, and grabs onto the leather journal. The look of this thing doesn’t match his brother’s personality at _all_. It looks all old and wise and classy, whereas Felix… is not. He’s quite the opposite, honestly. A colorful spiral notebook filled with crayon drawings would fit him much better, but hey, maybe Felix is deeper than Chris thinks he is.

It takes him a few moments before he gathers the courage to open the thing up. The first page has a very warm welcome message: “If you read any of this I will literally stab you.” He snorts. His eyes skim over the first few pages, doing his best to not read the actual words. He goes through the journal quickly, trying to see if he lands on anything that looks like a list, or something that could potentially be some passwords, but halfway through, something catches his attention. Chris swore that he wouldn’t read, but an uncontrollable force takes over him when he sees his own name written amongst all of the other words. He winces slightly, realizing that it’s too late to stop reading.

 

— _I don’t care how creepy that is, but I know I should. He’s smart though so he’d probably figure out sooner or later. It’d be cool if I didn’t have to get super anxious trying to listen to him through his door, that shit gives me anxiety but I just really can’t stop lmao. Fuck you Chris for being… you._

What? The man stares confusedly at the words, then turns back a few pages to try finding some context for whatever Felix is talking about, ignoring the fact that he wasn’t supposed to read any of this in the first place. He starts from the top, two pages back.

 

— _is when he told us about his thing with her. I know exactly when that happened too cause I remember my exact feelings at the time. He thought he was so cool and my other friends thought he was cool too but tbh I thought it was… boring. If he thinks that hair-pulling is kinky, then what the fuck am I omg. I think if people heard about the kind of stuff I think about… maybe I’d be sent to a psychiatrist or whatever, lol. Speaking of which, I got uncontrollably horny again today when Chris and I were fighting over some dumb shit again and he pinned me down on the floor._

… Huh?

 

 _I wish he’d stop fucking touching me but also if he ever stopped I think I’d die. I guess there’s no winning for me. It’d be really nice if I could be one of those creepy older people who always put their hands on him. He gets all still and obedient, I wonder how far he’d let them go before he finally breaks down. I love the way he looks all uncomfortable and sick, I wish they would do more to him. But also no I don’t, because that should be ME doing that stuff to him instead. One of these days I’ll really just snap and finally face fuck him_.

Chris’s stomach drops, and his nausea starts growing. What the fuck? Is he reading this right? It dates back to around a year ago. Not much of interest is said afterwards, but his hand involuntarily flip through more pages and his eyes scan for his name. He finds something from a few months later.

 

— _fucking piss on him in his sleep honestly. I’ll mark my territory on his dick if some other girl tries to get with him. He’s so stupid thinking that he deserves affection or whatever. I hope whatever girls he dates end up finding out how horrible he is. Then, nobody will want him and I’ll have Chris all to myself, my personal little fucktoy. It’s honestly the least he can fucking do._

Chris remembers that around the time this was written, he had this short thing with some girl going on. It was more serious than his usual things that he had with girls, because he’d always quickly realize that they weren’t really into him, but were more after his money and popularity. This one girl seemed very genuine though. It really fucking sucks that she had to be sleeping with his friend behind his back.

But wait, no, wait, that’s not what he should be thinking about right now. What in the god damn fucking _hell_? Felix’s what? Personal _fucktoy_? An intense anxiety washes over him. He understands what these words mean, but for some reason, none of it is properly registering in his brain. Like, it just won’t stick. He understands, but he doesn’t. There’s too much information for him here to try unpacking, but his body already seems to understand what’s going on, making him feel sick and uneasy. This is bad, he can tell that much.

He feels disgusted, and every cell in his body is telling him to close that thing and get out of there, but he turns the pages anyway, searching for more. He finds something about him from just a month ago.

 

_I had the best dream I’ve ever had I think. I don’t really remember much of it, I just know that in the beginning, I had to go back to my elementary school for some reason, and there was a maze that me and these other strangers had to figure our way out of. I managed to find the exit but for some reason nobody else could come with me? And anyway that took me to this place that was like a weird combination of our house and some sort of mall cafeteria? And it was completely empty so it was freaking me out, but after a whole bunch of searching I managed to find Chris and he was sitting on his laptop at some table, except his laptop was just broken so he was pretending to work only so that he could ignore me, but obviously I noticed and called him out for it so he got angry, and then we started fighting, but for some reason I was so much stronger than him. I don’t really remember the whole fight but at some point I was sitting on his face and it felt SO good that I just started riding it, and he kept screaming and begging for me to get off but obviously I didn’t. Then I just got really violent and he couldn’t fight back while I scratched him all over and did other things. I can vividly remember the way his flesh felt, it was amazing. But then the dream switched to something else involving doorknobs or whatever, but that’s not what matters. Now I can’t stop thinking about riding his face in real life, suffocating him and making him panic. I’m getting hard again just thinking about it._

Chris shakily exhales. This can’t be real. _This_ has to be a dream. It makes absolutely no fucking sense, and he’s just so confused that he doesn’t even know how to feel or how to react. Before processing it properly, he flips the pages back to the beginning, curious to see exactly how far this kind of stuff goes back. He finds something just a few pages in, from three years ago.

 

 _I know it’s sick and messed up but I’m starting to think that my feelings for Chris are more than just... brotherly. I never knew how to explain these weird fantasies but I think I get it now. I keep listening to my friends talk about the stuff that they want to some girls, and it gives off the same feeling as what I want to do to Chris… I mean, maybe I’m just overthinking it… Also, I think I’m gay, so maybe that’s why? He’s the most present male figure in my life, so I could be mixing stuff up and yeah. I just need to stop thinking about it_.

Chris flips forward some more pages.

 

— _when I accidentally walked in on him jacking off. It made me feel so fucking weird, like my stomach exploded with some icky substance or something, and then I got hard. I hate the fact that this happens to me, why couldn’t I have just been fucking normal, why why why why why??? I don’t even fucking like him, if I’m being honest, not after all of the bullshit I’ve been put through. He just reminds me of everything I hate, so WHY does my dick get hard because of him._

Then he looks through more pages.

 

— _wanna know what it would feel like to ride his cock, how he’d treat me and if he’d be rough or gentle. I wonder how he fucks his girlfriends. Would he fuck me if I were a girl? I don’t_ —

 

— _and_ _that’s not even a question. I don’t care if it makes me a horrible person, can you blame me? One day I swear I’ll make him clean my piss off the floor with his tongue, it’s going to be so satisfying to watch him submit like the dumb bitch he actually is. Anyway, yesterday_ —

 

— _I guess_ _I’ll just cut off his stupid hair and see how great he’ll be then. Narcissistic and shallow cunt. Suddenly, I won’t be the pathetic or pitiful one anymore, and he’ll start begging anyone for his attention, even me. Fuck, I’m getting turned on just thinking about him looking all wrecked and asking to suck me off. If only_ —

 

— _I really wouldn’t be able to do any of this without him. I can’t stand anything at all anymore, and he’s the only person making it bearable anymore. As much as I hate his guts, he’s still what’s keeping me alive. I care about him so much, and I’m just scared of losing him somehow, even though it’s unrealistic to keep him around me for the rest of my life. I wish he were in love with me, that way we could just run away together, somewhere far away where nobody knows we’re related. God, I sound so cringy right now, but whatever, I can’t bring myself to care_ —

 

Chris closes the journal. He puts it back in it’s place, closes the drawer, then immediately exits the room. This is too much for him, _way_ too much for him. He gets back into his room, remembers why he left in the first place, then checks the unread messages.

 

 **Jisung:**  
Where did he goooooo

 **Changbin:**  
he probably lied about the password and went to jack off

 **Jisung:**  
chriiiiisssss, stop jacking ooooffffffff

mister bang… please boss…

 **Changbin:**  
dude fr let’s just play without him

 

Chris doesn’t have it in him to get back to them. He’s too shaken by the contents of Felix’s diary, but he doesn’t even know what to _do_ about it. Maybe he should play after all, just to distract himself, yet he knows that he won’t be able to get into it at all with what’s plaguing him right now. Should he just think about it? Just lie down on his bed and contemplate? He doesn’t even know _which_ part to begin thinking about…

He decides to lie down to think about what he should think about. It doesn’t work, and he just has a million thoughts and questions popping into his mind all at once as he rolls around. All he knows for certain is the fact that he’ll never _ever_ be able to look at Felix the same ever again. In fact, does Chris still love him? Is he able to love his brother, who writes about making Chris go through degrading sexual acts? This isn’t just something that he can ignore…

Chris feels like he doesn’t even know who Felix is. He thought he did, but from the looks of it, he had it all wrong. He thought they were just brothers who, yeah, got into fights often and would continuously bully each other, but they were very close and there was a mutual trust. That trust doesn’t exist anymore. Chris can’t even tell if Felix hates him or not, but it seems like it’s more likely the former option. His skin feels like it’s crawling.

He thinks back to the cute dorky image that Felix projects when they’re out in public, or that perfect pure angel role that he fulfills when their parents have guests over, and now, more so than ever, do those acts feel fake. Nothing about Felix is cute or pure at _all_. Chris feels uncomfortable knowing that they live together. He could really use some time away from the younger, but he knows that won’t be possible. Felix _loves_ to pester him.

But say that Felix really does hate him and really does want to force him into degrading sexual acts, what can Chris even do about it? There isn’t anyone he can tell, and certainly he’s not going to confront Felix about it, so is he just going to be stuck living with this kid who wants to do unspeakable things to him?

He keeps thinking and thinking and thinking, but nothing comes of it. He’s just cycling through the same thoughts over and over again, and he’s not getting anywhere. Maybe he should just sit on it. What if he just pretends that he never read that in the first place? But that’s not possible, he can’t just ignore this no matter how hard he wants to. Chris is kind of scared of his brother, now, even though he shouldn’t be. Yeah, maybe Felix _wants_ to do awful things, but it’s not like he actually can do them, right? There’s no way. And if anything, Chris is definitely stronger. He’s not defenseless.

He can already feel the toll that this is going to take on him, as if he isn’t already struggling with his mental health enough. Now he has this extra horrible knowledge that he has to deal with.

Chris ends up falling into a light and uncomfortable sleep. When he wakes up again from a slight noise outside, it feels like his mind reset and he forgot what he was thinking about in the first place, too busy recovering from his involuntary nap.

He doesn’t even think anything of it when Felix barges into his room to do a stupid dance for no reason, the way he always does, then exits without saying anything. He’s so used to this routine, but when he remembers what happened before he fell asleep, he becomes incredibly uneasy knowing that Felix has the ability to just waltz into his room whenever he likes. Chris wishes that their parents allowed the doors to their rooms to have locks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that comments and kudos are appreciated!
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/tripIebang/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please pardon any grammatical errors if there are any I'm too impatient to get my stuff beta read anymore lol

It’s been a week. It’s been a fast, boring week, and everything is exactly the same. Truthfully, Chris doesn’t know what he was expecting. Was Felix just supposed to know that Chris went through his diary? Was he immediately supposed to start acting different? Probably not, but it’s surreal.

Felix is his usual dumb and annoying self, but it feels so fake. So fake, and Chris doesn’t even know how to act around him anymore. He doesn’t barge into Felix’s room when he’s bored, nor does he really try to speak to the other if he doesn’t absolutely have to. He tolerates it whenever Felix annoys him, and even fights back sometimes, but ultimately, he can’t act the same.

He kind of wants nothing to do with him. Chris feels so much emptier; he never realized how big of a part his brother played in his life, and without him, he really feels like he has nobody to be real with at all. Only Jisung and Changbin, but it’s really not the same as having people be around him in real life. But even if he wanted to go back to the way things were before, he thinks it’s absolutely impossible. How could somebody possibly ignore this kind of thing?

So, he starts to distance himself. What else could he do? He goes out with his friends more to avoid being around the younger as much as possible, and when he’s at home he’ll either completely submerge himself in any kind of work, or he gets high so that he can take his mind off it. It’s haunting him, it really is. What’s worse is that there’s nobody he can tell, so it’s cluttering his mind with nowhere else to go.

He’s tried looking things up, but searching ‘What to do when you find out that your brother wants to do inappropriate and cruel things to you’ doesn’t really yield any results. Other similar searches only leave him with pseudo-incestuous porn videos, which is definitely not what he’s looking for. Anonymously posting about it online only got him two responses telling him to get out of there, but it’s really not that simple. He truly doesn’t have anywhere to turn.

But Felix notices that Chan is trying to turn away.

“Are you okay? You’ve been acting really weird lately,” states Felix. He came into his room, talking to him about something funny one of his friend’s did, but the elder wasn’t really paying attention. He figures that if he just ignores Felix, he’ll go away eventually.

“Why aren’t you listening to me?” Felix asks when Chris doesn’t respond. “Are you high again?”

Chris is not, but he wishes he were. “No, I’ve just had a bad week,” he replies, rubbing his temples for emphasis.

“Bad week doing what? Going out and smoking? Fucking random girls? Are you having a bad week cause you found out you finally caught STDs?” Felix jabs, smirking amusedly, poisonous undertone in his voice.

Chris remembers the passages in Felix’s diary, the ones where he writes about his jealousy towards the girls Chris gets with, and suddenly he feels himself freezing up. He hasn’t fucked anyone recently, so that’s what he should tell him. He should tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of his room, but he can’t.

He dumbly sits there, staring into his laptop screen, eyes out of focus. It’s as if something terrible would happen if he moved, but logically he knows that’s stupid. He wishes Felix would just leave. He should have lied and said that he _is_ high.

“Slut,” spits Felix, then he groans and leaves once he figures out that Chris isn’t going to respond anymore.

He leaves without shutting the door, and once Chris hears him entering his own room, his shoulders relax and it feels like he can breathe again. He gets up and closes the door himself when he would have usually yelled at his brother to do it.

Chris breathes out and blinks, feeling wetness forming in his eyes. What the fuck is this about? Why is he so scared all of a sudden? He feels terrible and anxious, and thinks it’s ridiculous that Felix would call him a slut. He’s just jealous that Chris gets more pussy than-

Oh. Felix is gay, isn’t he? But he hasn’t come out to Chris about it. Why couldn’t he just be a normal gay boy with normal feelings for some normal guy? That Hyunjin guy seems handsome, Felix should write about doing terrible things to _him_ instead.

But Chris knows that those cruel thoughts could only be directed towards him.

He swallows and goes to find his weed stash, fuck whatever he was working on.

 

 

 

It’s Saturday night. Chris is going out with his friends to some random house party to avoid being at home. Their parents are going out, and the thought of having to be alone at home with Felix makes Chris uncomfortable, so he had to make sure to have plans.

“That’s so funny,” some random white girl laughs. Chris is pretty sure he didn’t even really say anything entertaining, but she’s all tipsy and leaning against him, pressing her breasts against his arm, as if he doesn’t know what she’s up to. “Why are you so funny, Chris? On top of being so handsome.”

He rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t think she notices. “I don’t know, I guess I was just lucky with my genetics, or something,” he replies.

His friends ditched him to go pop pills, and Chris would rather not, so now he’s here and bored. Might as well fuck this girl, since she seems to want it so badly.

“Yeah, I can see that.” She flutters her pretty fake eyelashes at him. “But I wanna see more.” And yeah, there it is.

Chris takes her into the nearest empty room, which happens to be a small bathroom. He presses her against the door and feels her moans vibrate against his lips that are making their way down her neck. He savors the feeling of her soft flesh and her round curves. He makes her turn around and presses her against the counter, so that her ass is pressed against his crotch.

Chris catches his reflection in the mirror, and is kind of disgusted by what he sees. This girl must be really drunk if she thinks that he’s attractive in this gross state right now. Messy and kind of greasy hair, new Off-White hoodie stained by the Jager he clumsily spilled on himself, and he looks pretty sweaty as well. But he’s drunk too, honestly. And when he pulls her shorts and panties down, runs a finger across her slit, she asks him to fuck her raw.

“I’m on birth control, it’s fine,” she tells him, and Chris should be ecstatic, any guy would be, but he’s not. Felix’s voice suddenly booms through his head, telling him that he’s caught STDs and that he’s a slut. He’s not catching STDs.

“I only have safe sex,” he tells her as he reaches into his back pocket to grab a condom.

She sighs and says, “So responsible, I like that,” while wiggling her ass.

He unbuttons his pants and pushes them down with his underwear, slipping the condom onto his length before he starts pressing into her. Once he starts steadily thrusting, he looks back at his reflection and he hears Felix’s voice again, and now his words won’t leave his head.

Then, it’s not just those words, it’s the contents of his diary too, and Chris feels himself getting less aroused and more anxious and disgusted. He doesn’t like that he’s thinking about Felix while he’s fucking a girl, and he risks losing his erection if he doesn’t stop.

He snaps himself out of it and leans down against her, pressing his chest against her back and grabbing her face with one hand while the other finds a spot on the counter to steady himself with. He whispers into her ear, “I want you to call me daddy, can you do that for me?”

She immediately moans, “Yes, daddy,” and he instantly feels his arousal start to grow back. The bathroom fills with echoes of her moans and his grunts, the sound of wet slapping, her calling him daddy and telling him how good she feels, and Chris manages to lose himself long enough to finally reach his orgasm, spilling into the condom. He doesn’t pull out yet, thrusting softly as the girl rubs herself to her own orgasm, and then they’re done.

_‘I wonder how he fucks his girlfriends.’_

If Chris fucked Felix, would Felix call him daddy too?

Not much makes sense to Chris when he’s drunk, and he doesn’t understand how he’s at the front door to his house already. He doesn’t remember calling a cab, and he panics when he thinks that he can’t find his house key, but the door opens in front of him. Felix stares right at him, amusement glinting in his eyes.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” asks the younger, stepping aside so that Chris can enter. The elder kicks his shoes off and immediately starts heading to his room, excited to just lie down on his bed and pass out, but Felix stops him.

Chris groans and tries to shake the hand off his wrist, but he ends up stumbling a bit and instead turns to angrily look at the younger. “Fuck off, I’m fucking tired,” he growls.

“Well that’s not my fault,” Felix snaps back. “We need to talk.”

“Talk?” asks Chris incredulously. “Dude, I’m not sober enough for this.”

“I don’t care.” Felix drags him into their lavish living room and pushes the elder against one of the couches. Their parents wouldn’t be happy at the fact that Chris is so dirty and yet he’s touching the couch, but it doesn’t seem like they’re back yet. “You’ve been a real dick lately.”

Huh?

“What’s gotten into you? Why do you keep ignoring me? Did I do something to upset you?” Felix bombards him with questions that Chris can’t be bothered to answer right now. “What gives you the fucking right to ignore me? Huh?”

What is Chris supposed to say? “Sorry,” he replies, desperately hoping that it’s enough to get Felix to leave him alone at least for now, but it’s obviously not.

“Oh, ‘sorry,’” the younger mocks. “Is that all you have to say to me? You didn’t seem so sorry when dad slapped me yesterday and you fucking ignored me afterwards.”

Oh, yeah. Chris feels bad about that. It was extremely difficult for him to decide how to act when Felix came for comfort. Usually, he would have done his best to make sure that the younger was alright, but yesterday? He was still unable to face his brother normally, and it resulted in him being awkward and freezing up again. He really can’t do this.

When he doesn’t answer, Felix starts crying, and Chris feels himself start sobering up. Then Felix is saying things that he doesn’t quite understand but he understands that Felix is breaking down and that means something is very wrong and the reason for this is Chris so he’s the one who’s responsible for Felix’s breakdown and so he lets his instincts take over and he goes to grab Felix and hugs him and makes sure to run a soothing hand up and down his back and he feels Felix’s shaky breath fan against his neck and it reminds him of how he was fucking the girl earlier and he remembers that Felix has wanted Chris to fuck him and it’s all weird and awful again and Chris hates it so fucking much but he has a responsibility and he has to make sure that Felix doesn’t try to smash his head against a wall or something again and now Chris feels like he’s the one who’s having a breakdown because there’s too much going on for him right now and his brain can’t handle it all and he wishes that they could have just done this at another time and-

Chris gets roughly pushed back. His ass lands against the floor right in front of the couch, and he’s too surprised to register the pain. He looks up and his brain blurs whatever is happening in front of him, but he’s well aware that Felix is still breaking down, except now he doesn’t know what to do. He was pushed onto the floor. What’s he supposed to do if Felix pushes him away?

So he just sits there and listens to his brother’s sobs and stuttering and he realizes that everything that’s happening right now, from Felix’s current state to everything that’s written in that diary, is his own fault.

“Why do you hate me? I thought you cared. I’m still so fucking afraid. I thought I meant something to you,” Chris is able to make out those words that Felix stutters between his sobs.

He has no choice but to suck it up.

 

 

 

Chris stops avoiding Felix. It’s difficult at first to pretend that nothing bothers him, but since Felix’s demeanor is still the same, he just has to go along with it the way he usually did. And he manages to start mastering the art of ignoring his feelings. It was so simple all along, he just has to not think about it. Just not think. How does he do it? He doesn’t know, but he doesn’t question it and just acts on autopilot.

Time passes, and it feels like things are finally going back to normal. With each passing day, Felix’s diary starts to bother him less. Out of sight, out of mind, right? He starts to think that maybe he’s remembering things wrong, that maybe his mind made everything a lot worse than what it actually is.

But then it all comes back to him.

“Felix, you’re like 12, it would be irresponsible for me to let you do this,” warns Chris, as if he actually cares.

His parents are having another one of their boring parties and the two of them managed to successfully sneak away. Felix even stole two bottles of champagne which he is now planning to open and drink, because their parents would usually never let him.

“Oh yeah, I totally believe that you’re super responsible, Chris,” the younger says sarcastically, carefully trying to remove the cork so that the liquid doesn’t explode and land everywhere in his room.

Chris sighs and takes the bottle from him, removing the cork slowly and steadily. It comes off with a sudden pop, startling them both, but it doesn’t create a mess. He hands it back to his brother and Felix wastes no time in bringing the bottle to his lips, drinking directly from it. Chris laughs to himself at the sight. Felix is acting like a teen who’s never had alcohol before, but he supposes that it’s not so far from the truth.

“Here,” says the younger as he passes the bottle to Chris.

“Nah, I’m good,” the elder rejects, but Felix frowns and forces the bottle into his hand anyway.

“I’m not doing this alone, you’re an accomplice,” he pushes.

Chris sighs and takes it from him, drinking a bit before handing it back to his brother. They go back and forth like that, seated on Felix’s bed, scrolling through their respective phones without making too much conversation. Then they get bored and fall into a relaxed conversation, with nothing of interest really being said.

Felix is obviously a lightweight, and Chris can tell that the champagne gets to him. They finish the first bottle and Felix insists that Chris opens the second one. The elder only does so in order to get the younger to stop whining.

It’s funny at first to watch Felix get all giggly and spacey, but Chris starts enjoying it significantly less when he starts to touch him. It’s not much, really. Felix just gets closer and leans against him, wraps his arms around Chris’s waist while he complains about some random shit. Chris feels weird about it, and he feels even weirder when his eyes land on his brother’s bedside table, the one with the diary inside of it.

It feels that as soon as he becomes uncomfortably reminded of the things his brother wrote about him, Felix starts to get even touchier. He ends up pushing them both down so that he can lay his head against the elder’s chest, nuzzling his nose into it, and Chris really isn’t a fan of the way his brothers hands seem to roam around a bit too much, almost as if they’re petting him.

But he’s supposed to suck it up.

Nothing more than just the roaming hands occurs, but this kind of thing starts happening more and more frequently. Felix will every so often find a way to get a bit too close to Chris, and every time it happens, it feels terrible. But Chris remembers Felix’s most recent breakdown, remembers how much the younger’s been through, remembers how much Chris could have been a better brother, and he forces himself to push through it. Besides, Chris doubts that Felix could actually do any of the terrible things he wishes to do. Chris is stronger anyway. It’s just fantasy, he reminds himself.

 

 

 

Whether it’s fantasy or not doesn’t really help, actually. It ends up taking a toll on Chris. Every time Felix touches him in any way, passages from his diary will fly through the elder’s mind. It becomes suffocating having to be around Felix, but he somehow manages to endure it anyway.

The toll it takes is noticeable though, because one night he receives some messages from his best friends that he wasn’t expecting to receive.

**Jisung:**

hey chris so like binnie and I have been meaning to ask if you’re okay lately??

**Chris:**

what do u mean

 

It takes Chris by surprise, because he’s pretty sure that he’s been acting the same as usual. There was that while after he first found out about the diary entries, but he played it off as just not feeling well. Now, though, they’ve been chatting like usual and he hasn’t been really saying anything that would allude to the fact that there’s something wrong.

 

**Changbin:**

It’s just your tracks have been kind of weird lately.

not to say that theyre bad, but theyre not like u

just like, your work flow has also been weird

Idk

 

Chris thinks about it. He supposes that the stuff he’s been working on is a little bit grimmer, but it’s not like he’s never produced darker tracks before. It’s amazing how his friends can tell that something is off despite him not saying anything. He figures that friends should be good at that kind of thing, though. After all, he can also tell when something is wrong with one of them even if they don’t say anything.

But does Chris really want to try explaining his situation to them? He’s considered it, but ultimately he would feel uncomfortable dropping this kind of heavy thing on his close friends. Even if he does tell them, what are they supposed to say? He just doesn’t want to burden them with it, really.

 

**Chris:**

Its nothing, don’t worry about it guys

**Jisung:**

I don’t believe you

**Changbin:**

I also don’t believe you

**Chris:**

Well its complicated and its whatever

Trust me you guys don’t need to hear it

**Changbin:**

chan, we’re asking because we care about you dude

we want to know

please tell us

 

They go back and forth like that, and eventually Chris decides to just fuck it and tell them in the most concise way possible.

 

**Chris:**

Fine, but its fucked

I warned you

Remember when I wasn’t feeling so good a while ago

and I said it was just cause I was feeling sick?

I lied. Its cause I found out my brother writes fucked up sexual shit about me in his diary

**Jisung:**

What

**Changbin:**

what?????? Elaborate please wtf

unless youre fucking around rn

**Chris:**

No, for real. I don’t wanna say what exact kind of stuff

But yeah

And I have to live with him and act like I don’t know

**Jisung:**

Holy shit

That’s actually fucked up.

 

And so Chris explains a bit further. He explains how he feels too guilty to push Felix away, how Felix touches him a bit too much and how every time he does, Chris has to endure it. He tells them that he has no idea what to do or where to turn, and as he expected, neither of them know what to say. But that’s okay. He surprisingly feels a lot better after finally being able to get it off his chest. He guesses that it really does make a difference to just be able to talk about it to someone.

“Christopher,” he suddenly hears his mother’s shrill voice calling him from downstairs. He had no idea that she was home so it startles him a bit. He checks the time and sees that it’s nearing midnight and wonders what she could possibly want at this time.

He immediately gets off his desk chair and out of his room to make his way downstairs, replying, “Yes?”

Once he arrives in the kitchen, he sees the stern look on her face and immediately feels himself shrink. It’s ridiculous because he’s taller and bigger than her, yet when she gives him that look he feels so small. “Felix stole champagne bottles from us, didn’t he?” she cuts to the chase.

Chris doesn’t know how to respond. On one hand, he knows that he shouldn’t lie to her, because if she finds out, the consequences will be ones to fear. On the other hand, if he tells her the truth, his brother will have to go through shit that Chris just doesn’t want him to go through.

So, he takes the blame. “No, it was me,” he lies through his teeth. He’s gotten good at doing that throughout the years.

“Was it?” she asks him, raising one of her drawn on brows in disbelief. “And why would you do that? As if you don’t already hide your own substances in your room.”

He winces slightly at the fact that she knows about the stuff he keeps, realizing that he might not be as slick as he thought. But, as long as she’s not giving him shit for it…

“I ran out,” he lies again, “and I just really needed something to take the edge off.”

“So you drank two whole bottles by yourself?”

“Yes.” Chris is starting to realize that the more this goes on the more he risks looking like an idiot, but it’s too late to go back now. “Not all at once.”

His mother hums. She stares at him for a few moments, then says, “Don’t do that again. You’re lucky I don’t have the time to deal with you and your brother right now, but you should know better.”

As soon as she turns around, Chris lets go of a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He immediately turns around to go back into his room. Once he’s up the stairs, he walks down the hallway and notices that the door to Felix’s room is open. As he enters his own, he spots the younger seated at his desk, staring at his laptop screen, and an icy wave of fear courses through Chris’s body.

Felix is reading his conversation with Jisung and Changbin.

Felix knows that Chris knows.

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t move at all. He’s completely frozen and feels panic start rising in his chest when Felix turns around to look at him.

Chris wants to get angry. He’s angry because Felix barged into his room and started reading his personal shit without his permission. Chris also wants to run away. He’s so scared of what Felix might do or say, and he has no idea how to face the younger at all anymore. But then, Chris also wants to start crying and apologizing. Apologizing for… he doesn’t know what. Maybe for being a shitty brother? He’s really not sure, but this last option seems like what’s most probably going to happen, because he’s starting to tear up.

Felix stares at him, his big round eyes completely void of any emotion. “Yeah,” he says, voice low, “Pretty fucked up shit, isn’t it?”

Chris swallows. He doesn’t answer, just stares back at Felix, as if he would get attacked if he moved. “I’m sorry,” he weakly mumbles.

Felix hums, in a way that’s uncannily similar to the way their mother hummed just a few minutes ago downstairs. “Sorry? But for what?” The younger shrugs questioningly. He gets out of the seat to stand, and continues, “After all, I’m the one writing about the fucked up stuff I wanna do to you. You’re the victim, so why are you apologizing?”

Felix is right, Chris _is_ the victim here, so then why does he feel so guilty. All he can do is shake his head as Felix steps closer. “I’m sorry,” he repeats himself a bit louder, but a bit shakier.

“Oh, are you? If you are, then why do you think that I’m so much of a freak, huh?” he questions, raising his tone. “Why do you go through my shit even when I told you not to, and then feel all bad about the fact that you saw something you didn’t like? And I fucking warned you about it too. But no, your stupid weed and sex addicted brain failed you again, didn’t it?”

Chris feels increasingly more ashamed of himself, and before he knows it, Felix is standing right in front of him. The elder’s remaining composure breaks as he stares into Felix’s sharp, judgemental eyes, and tears start falling. “I didn’t mean to,” he stutters. “I was just trying to find your password, for-“

“I don’t care,” Felix cuts him off. Chris tries to start speaking again, but this time Felix slaps him. The elder is shocked because this is the first time Felix has ever slapped him, and it’s so much different than when they jokingly fight, or even when they have more serious fights.

The slap is concise and powerful, meant to shut Chris up. And so he shuts up.

“Get on your knees,” the younger orders. Chris shakes his head again, because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t like where this is going. It’s starting to get all too close to the contents of Felix’s diary, but Chris can’t run; his feet suddenly feel so heavy. “If you’re fucking sorry,” Felix repeats himself, “You’ll get on your knees.”

This time, Chris obeys. He _is_ sorry, and he doesn’t want to further anger his brother. Felix smirks, and it’s such an odd sight for the elder. He doesn’t like the power imbalance, and he doesn’t understand how he allowed it to happen in the first place. Chris isn’t weak, he’s not. He’s definitely stronger than Felix, but then why is he kneeling in front of him, head down, obeying him like some miserable dog?

“You ruined my whole entire fucking life, Chris,” Felix says through gritted teeth as he leans down a bit. “Look at me.”

The elder looks up. When he makes eye contact with his brother again, he starts to cry harder. “I’m really sorry,” he sobs. “It’s not my fault, it wasn’t my fault. I’m really sorry, I know I’ve been terrible before, but I swear I love you,” he stammers pathetically.

Felix simply smiles. “Open your mouth.”

Chris is afraid. He doesn’t want to open his mouth, but he does so anyway. Felix places a finger underneath the elder’s chin and tilts it upwards, then he spits in Chris’s mouth.

Chris stops breathing out of fear and disgust. His mouth still hangs open until Felix shuts it closed with his finger. “Swallow,” he orders. It takes a bit of effort, but Chris manages to do so. He feels sick to his stomach, though.

Felix runs a hand through the elder’s hair, petting his head almost soothingly. “Good boy,” he praises. “Keep it up and I might consider forgiving you.”

And just like that, he leaves the room. Chris stays down on his knees until his legs go numb, feeling as though he’s paralyzed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao sorry for the long wait, I promise I'm gonna finish this fic.


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